Okay… So What Now?

thanks cait!

thanks cait!

Random Observation/Comment #105: I’ve been keeping myself busy since I’ve been back from Japan.  This semester really passed by in a blink of an eye.  It feels like it was just yesterday that I first set foot on Japanese soil and heard that relaxing, yet annoying, cicada siren.  The taste of good sushi stays on the tip of my tongue and the smell of the tatami mats brings back those wonderful Japanese dreams.  I heard a Japanese couple talking today and I couldn’t seem to stop eavesdropping – not for the sake of eavesdropping, but just to hear that beautiful language.  I must admit that it doesn’t roll off the tongue like French, but it has its unique, cute-sy way of making me smile.

This next stage of this blog will be focused on the “career searching” portion of my intended purpose.  Obviously, writing is a passion, but I’m still on the fence about whether it should stay a hobby or become a profession.  I’m thinking about applying to write for school newspapers, talking to publishers, and working for travel book companies, like Lonely Planet.  I don’t consider myself a good writer because I haven’t found my special style.  I’m sure my parents and brother enjoy reading what I spew, but it’s not certain of its overall usefulness.  Could I somehow make money feeding bullshit?  … I could always consider working in politics.

These past three months have been filled with side projects.  The thesis and class this semester was secondary to finding what makes me happy.  It felt like third grade all over again – “What do you want to be when you grow up?”  I can’t say something outrageous like “I want to be an Astronaut” or “I want to be Bugs Bunny (he was always my favorite).”  Although traveling to space is a valid goal, I don’t think I can pierce the atmosphere with wishful thinking – believe me, I tried.  I’ve been searching for 12 years and I still have no idea.  What happened, instead of finding a valid answer, was what I imagine as a cone of depleting choices as time passes.  The older I get, the narrower this tree of choices becomes.  When I chose engineering as my degree, I effectively knocked out becoming a lawyer or doctor (although I know a few people who did this anyway).  It’s a little depressing, but a lot of us growing up, almost grown up, or still growing, are slowly realizing that a lot of our dreams are slowly being crushed by time.  This scares the shyt out of me.  I stick with the choices I make, but I like choices to choose from.  There is always a plan B, C, D, and E in my mind for that “just in case shit happens” chance.  If you remove these choices, my mind divides by zero and everything blows up.

Every chapter in my life has jumped back and forth between ideologies, aspirations, and beliefs.  I was searching for a meaning, but fell short and settled on a personality.  These social experiments not only built my general opinion of society, but also helped me piece together the bigger picture.  My goals and dreams were deeply influenced by my peers and parents.  In fact, I partly became an engineer because of my brother.

I chose engineering because of its realistic application and overall boost of useful everyday knowledge.  It has acted as a base of reason and helped me work through so many other problems with a logical methodology.  The more I look around the world with this third eye (not the religious one), the more I see the algorithms and equations that govern our lives.  There’s no doubt in my mind that becoming an engineer was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my lifetime.

I’m not exactly the sheep in the herd, but I wouldn’t call myself a shepherd’s dog either.  I’m not wealthy or influential enough to be the shepherd, nor am I evil enough to be the wolf (maybe I need to swap shepherd and wolf to fit today’s standards).  I think I would be the shepherd’s son, doing the neighbor’s daughter (haha, even if I was, that’s beside the point).  I would be the son who learns about the system, but thinks about becoming a racecar driver or veterinarian.  My father, the shepherd, would never understand and try to keep me on track, but you can’t stop a boy from dreaming.  It’s a simple life as a shepherd, although a little time consuming.  I would probably do well, but is that the point?  There needs to be more than just a job well done.

I want to discover my writing abilities, and test out different writing styles.  I will always continue my normal journal rants to slit my wrists and bleed onto the page (so to speak).  It’s not always frustration or stress, but it’s convoluted enough to keep locked away.  The social experiment is already in action: seelemonseat and seelemonspoetic will be side projects.  One’s about reviewing restaurants and the other is just for fun when I’m feeling creative.  I’m planning to start a seelemonsfictional which will be filled with short stories or comic book scenes.  We’ll see what happens.

~See Lemons Expand