Confusion
Random Observation/Comment #203: I seem to make more interesting observations and comments in my twitter feed. They are definitely more succinct and directly relate to my everyday life. I’m tempted to remove this section, but I really like how I’m keeping track of the posts with the comment numbers.
Ever since I’ve started writing, I’ve been trying to cling on to some type of purpose behind my entries for sanity and time efficiency reasons. After a little more than a year, I’ve found that I have no idea what I’m actually writing about. I’ve veered off topic so many times that it just jumbles between traveling and careers and just randomness. And, even though there are multiple cases where I’ve tried desperately to find some coordination and path, I simply just forgot about the nice structure one arbitrary day and reverted to writing what comes to mind about my current situations.
It was on such a day (the ones where you feel like your memory has been wiped) that I bombarded myself with a slew of questions: Do I really want to write about the little details of my crazy adventures, or do I want to share my opinion and impressions about each place I’ve visited to help others make a choice? Would people rather read about my version of a Wikipedia article on each city I’ve visited, or should I just write some ridiculous story? Is the advice I draw from my experiences the value or are the experiences themselves more entertaining? Should I make my conclusions or should I leave it open to interpretation? Am I slowly becoming more humanities and losing track of my engineering straight-forwardness?
I found that these questions flooded my mind for one particular underlying reason. I subconsciously felt that my writing was no longer for myself, but rather to please an audience of eyes. Even though I may never see their faces or see un-typed responses, I have created my own stage. It’s the stage in where you look out and you’re blinded by the spotlight. It’s basically the spewing of some type of information to silhouettes. I’d be happy thinking this way if I felt this was the purpose I wanted to portray, but I’m torn about the idea of “selling out.” It’s not like I’m making money off of writing any of this – I’m really just trying to find myself and share these experiences with those who are interested. But, the idea of shaping my personal reward and gratification on the basis of an invisible crowd just makes me feel slightly mad.
So my dilemma is that I’m stuck in this middle state between committing to an audience-based blog or a personal one. I honestly fear both to their extremities. I’ve definitely enjoyed writing in this free-flowingly manner to some fictional reader (or just another voice in my head). However, my deepest reflections are still maintained in something separate and I’m reluctant to pull these confused moments into my posted writings. I could write about topics that can easily gain trends and try to increase my viewers, but would I begin to lose my personality? To put it a different way, am I more happy writing about my life so I could relive it or so I could share it and have others (possibly) benefit? One I have some level of certainty and the other is in the shadow – somehow I just don’t know which is which.
Let’s try again: How do I explain this blog? Why do I continue if I’m starting to feel an invisible obligation that begins to interfere with my real world? Each document has become my canvas to paint the confusions and battle the multitude of plausible views to – with any luck – come to a respectable decision or conclusion about my own character. The interesting part is that I depend on it to work out the problems that are created by this same solution. It makes me wonder if these problems would stop arising if I just didn’t write about them. Hell – why not just stop thinking all-together?
~See Lemons Write for We?
PS – As I read back, it seems the painting on this canvas most closely resembles modern art.
