The Essential toilet seat

Random Observation/Comment #350: Once your throne is heated and it cleans your butthole with a super-soaker, you will never be the same, and you can never go back.

see lemons praise the bowl

This is not an advertisement for the toilet seat I bought, but rather a personal story about warm butt cheeks and clean bowels. This is an analyst’s perspective of a luxury that I can no longer function without. It’s about an investment to things that should be given a bit more attention: I’d spend more on running shoes because it affects my health; beds and pillows because you spend 30% of your life asleep; and toilets because taking dumps is the best thing ever when you have this seat that will transform you instantaneously.

After a month of moving into my new apartment about 16 months ago, I bought a $600 toilet seat. So why does it cost that much?

  1. Heated seats and heated water. Your bathroom is cold from the winter frost or central ac. That dreadful first touch of your thighs to the seat makes you wince. Imagine how awesome it’d be if someone could sit in the seat for 10 minutes right before you go in. Well, we have the technology.
  2. Bidet normal wash with oscillations. The retractable wand towards the back of the seat cleans itself every time it pops out. It’s ready to aim and fire zapping away those doodie spaceships. The normal wash sprays water gently in the perfect spot. There are buttons for oscillations, but I tend to do a bobble for a few seconds.
  3. Pure stream. Have you ever had terrible constipation? Pure stream is the answer. It’s an aenema and surprisingly works to give you the cleanest bowels you’ve ever had. This sounds gross, and it is, but it’s technology at its best. You know you’re just a little bit curious…
  4. Lady parts. I’ve personally never used this, but I hear it’s pretty fantastic. For better or worse, it’s less powerful than the first two settings.
  5. Energy saver modes. The seat is usually always on, but it can be trained to only turn on during your routine pooping schedule.
  6. Awesome seat that closes slowly. This exists in most normal toilet seats, but I personally like it because it encourages people to close the seat after usage.
  7. Added feature: drier. I’ll be honest, this doesn’t work as good as I want it to. It doesn’t dry enough so I still need to use one or two sheets to pad off the water.
  8. Added feature: air freshener. I don’t think this is worth the extra money to have it installed within the toilet seat. If you spend $4 on a can of spray, you’ll need 15 or so cans before you pay for the feature. Plus, I think you need to somehow add more spray in there.

Logical questions skeptics are bound to ask:

Does it work?
Oh yeah. You bet my ass it does. My butt is clean and I live in a reality where constipation and diarrhea are both no longer an issue.

Have you saved any money in toilet paper consumption?
I have personally used less toilet paper. I’d say I use only a quarter of normal consumption because sometimes I’m too lazy to sit there while the drier blows.

Have you spent extra money on water or electricity bills?
The seat needs to be plugged in to an outlet, so be sure you have one or you’ll need to use an extension cord. The electricity is minimal. The water, on the other hand, depends on how enthusiastic you are with getting your butt sprayed. I’d say 3 seconds of the wash is enough for one to be clean (depending on the severity of your poops). I think these few seconds are negligible to how much water we waste brushing teeth or washing our faces.

Is it really worth it?
I think it’s important to have an outstanding pooping experience on a daily basis. This gives me that and I don’t even know how to stress how big of a game changer this is to my personal happiness and overall standard of living.

For those who are curious, come visit my apartment and try it out :). I’ll host a pure stream party. I’ll make tacos.

~See Lemons Poop Luxuriously

–This was a joke post, but not really. That toilet seat was the best investment of my life.–