30 Feelings for 2020

Random Observation/Comment #688: Remember to feel something. I think I’m okay.

Why this list?

This pandemic has led to an undeniable divide in the world. Rich are getting richer. Poor are getting poorer. Big companies getting bigger. Small businesses shutting down. I think the best way to write about my own experience through this pandemic is to share these emotional pairs and feelings.

  1. Grateful / Guilty – We’re thankful for working in tech and being able to stay remote. We’ve guilt-tipped a lot and donated to local small businesses.
  2. Closer / Alone – I love being with my girls. I’ve also created a bad habit of staying up late and working or writing instead of sleeping.
  3. Productive / Useless – I’ve gotten more done than I thought possible, yet I feel like none of it matters.
  4. Distant / Together – Physically distant, but socially I feel it’s more important than ever to send messages and make it a habit to reach out.
  5. Brave / Cowardly – This was a feeling within the first few months that made me feel like I was going to war when buying groceries. I know I wouldn’t be able to work an essential job.
  6. Hopeful / Hopeless – Change is coming, but is it too late? The real challenges haven’t started yet.
  7. Clarity / Gas-lit – I feel like I know more about myself and what makes me sane, but it seems like I’m in a bubble and more of a cog and number in the economy than ever before.
  8. Addiction / Restriction – So much of my mood has been seesawing between these extremes in order to regulate my feelings. It doesn’t seem healthy.
  9. Eager / Bored – So many side projects that have formed from boredom. Mostly still bored and trying my best to get lost in the zone.
  10. Confident / Inadequate – I feel very capable, yet the tasks I’ve done don’t quite feel important enough.
  11. Frugal / Splurging – We’re saving by cutting down on recurring costs, yet spending on longer term items that could be useful. The money is just being shifted to home improvement industries rather than looking at fashion, dining, and travel.
  12. Inspired / Jealous – I’ve spent more time online and it’s become a thin line between envy and competition.
  13. Important / Irrelevant – Related to the inspiration, I’ve felt a greater need to share and feel important even though it’s all just digital noise. Nice photos, but we’re all a little not right.
  14. Strong / Vulnerable – I feel stronger than before the pandemic, yet I’ve built up more to lose. I’m not sure my risk management covers all scenarios.
  15. Hidden / Exposed – I am unseen, yet as transparent as ever.
  16. Safe / Paranoid – There’s a lot of padding around me, but I know luck runs out at some point.
  17. Comfortable / Crazy – It must be these sweatpants. How do I talk to people that aren’t my family anymore?
  18. Happy / Depressed – It’s the fleeting moments that happen to be in a fog of gray. It’s hard to be creative in gloom.
  19. Medicated / Numb – Perhaps there are ways the fog helps us forget the context of the numbers
  20. Informed / Deceived – So much to read, but what should we trust?
  21. United / Divided – I hope scientists are sharing more and competition in the face of an existential crisis looks more like cooperation. How can half the country not believe in wearing masks then?
  22. Responsible / Careless – A war fought in sweatpants. Doing your part is not being a vector. Then why did it feel so good to just wander around Target?
  23. Prepared / Worried – There’s more that can be done, but the base preparations for any scenario is there. I’m still worried I’m not prepared enough and that my preparations do not represent the majority.
  24. At peace / In pieces – I’ve never felt more neutral – void of all negativity because it doesn’t seem like it matters.
  25. Reset / Wound up – Mentally, I feel like I’ve been doing things that have more certain beginnings and ends, yet I sometimes have this random ball of energy bouncing around.
  26. Heavy / Lethargic – It’s like I’ve consumed too much and want to go to sleep all the time.
  27. Itchy / Flaky – It’s like this whole year has been a dry patch I keep on scratching that just gets worst. I need some lotion.
  28. On Fire / Burnt out – I feel like this momentum is only a few drops away from fizzing out.
  29. Amused / Sad – This summarizes my intake of political news through comedy. The delivery is funny, but with a wave of sadness once you realize how ridiculous it is.
  30. Tired / Exhausted – The one thing that has stayed constant through this year is being mentally tired of being optimistic, and physically exhausted racing to stay ahead.

~See Lemons Tired of 2020