Random Observation/Comment #730: I love fake internet courtrooms. Please solve all my disputes.
Why this List?
I’m a completionist when it comes to devouring content and podcasts. My recent revisit to Judge John Hodgman made me realize that there’s something comforting in a fake internet courtroom. The little arguments are petty and pedantic, but the judge is just so wise and eloquent.
I wouldn’t request my wife to listen to all the episodes of Judge John Hodgman by Maximumfun (like I have been doing), so here are some summary of rulings and quirks she’ll want to know when we submit a case.
- A hotdog is not a sandwich (even though Merriam-Webster says so and uses every chance to bring it up)
- “You like what you like” rule – You’re allowed to have your little weirdsies
- “It’s not helping unless you’re helping in the way you’re asked to help.”
- “Be mindful of the work you leave for others”
- How have you been harmed or damaged? If the person hasn’t, then let them be
- There’s a statistic of the judge ruling against the husband. We love his consistency.
- Cast iron is always the way to go.
- Refrain from submitting a spreadsheet as evidence because it will count against you
- Driver gets to choose the music
- Jesse’s reaction to cute cat and dog photos is the best thing ever. Try not to pander to the bailiff.
- “Alexa, play Huey Lewis and the News – Sports” is one of the best recurring jokes by Jesse
- People who leave unfinished time on a microwave are monsters
- Cultural references are obscure and the beginning will likely start with “All guesses are wrong!” – guess “song by the Mountain Goats” or “Star Wars reference”
- The judge does not have a sweet tooth, but an alcohol molar
- “Collections are showcased” – The difference between a hoard and a collection is the method of display
- Judge loves Scrabble and hates Boggle
- “If you know you’re sneaking, then you’re sneaking”
- Draculas can be everywhere and anywhere – bailiff Jesse is an expert in deciding
- “Hambone” is the perfect pet name – So are other pet names ending in vowels like mango and papaya
- “Marinate that leftover burrito stump” is a great callback to reference
- “I’ll have the kung pao chicken” is in reference to an episode of a bad dad joke, but dad jokes are great
- The judge exclusively does research via Wikipedia and urban dictionary.
- Always be plugging – Vacationland: True Stories from Painful Beaches, Medallion Status: True Stories from Secret Rooms, Dicktown (on Hulu)
- The judge is an only child, but never brings it up during the hearing
- The judge hates mayonnaise
- Judge John Hodgman definitely spends all his knowledge on sports
- The judge loves “is x food a y food” arguments between heterosexual married couples
- Die Hard is a great Christmas movie
- Say you know the crux of the situation
- The court loves compromises and does not just judge in one person’s favors
Let the record show that this post and those last few list items were in jest and not to sway my wife to make any “mistakes” during any future hearing.
For those curious of the case, we have not submitted anything officially, but essentially: my wife hates that I wear bone conductor headphones (Aeropex by Aftershokz) all the time (around 10 hrs a day). I have had these for 2+ years and I don’t notice that I put them on anymore. My wife wants me to stop wearing them when we host any events or see friends. I personally try to take them off before events if I remember to consciously do so, but I counter request my wife doesn’t forcefully take them off my head. I’m not always listening to something, but I don’t think I need to constantly take them off and put them on or it defeats the purpose of the headset.
~See Lemons Love JJHO